I’ve coached many women just like you and along the way have discovered that there are several key patterns of belief repeatedly present in my clients’ lives.
If you struggle with something similar, I can help you, too!
Perfectionism and Measuring Up
Often times as women we struggle with the pressures and demands of life. From childhood on, we are sent messages about beauty, femininity, and the American Dream of “having it all”.
So we try to balance work or school with family life, Church and toss in a bit of fun every now and again.
We compare ourselves to other women who seem to have it all together and end up over-working ourselves.
Or we feel worthless if we appear anything less than perfect. We need approval and external validation in order to feel significant or measure up. More than anything, we just want to come through for those we love.
Self-Judgement
But we find it’s almost impossible to keep it all together. So we blame ourselves. Maybe we’re just “different” or “broken”. Or maybe we just can’t hack it.
Anxiety creeps into our lives as we judge ourselves (and others)! Our friends, colleagues and children feel we hold them to an impossible standard that we ourselves couldn’t even measure up to.
I mean, how could we give grace to others if we can’t give grace to ourselves? We wallow in self-condemnation and in turn subconsciously condemn those we love.
We believe all the “shoulds”. I should be better by now. I should know how to do XYZ. I shouldn’t have any needs of my own. We expect so much from ourselves and judge ourselves when we can’t do it all.
Paralyzing Fear Cycles
We want to change, but how could we? If we've never received unconditional love or acceptance, how could we possibly know how to give that away? How could we trust ourselves to make good decisions? How could we feel competent?
So no decision becomes the best decision. Indecisive and afraid, we no longer take risks. We spend decades of our lives doing the same thing day in and day out.
We become so paralyzed with fear of making the wrong decision that we make no decisions at all then feel dissatisfied when we’re not where we want to be.
Self-Doubt and God-Doubt
Sometimes we stop believing in ourselves. Questions emerge and we cry out to God but don’t really perceive Him saying anything back.
Feeling alone and isolated, we question even more. But this time, we move past questioning our own worth and into questioning if God even cares about us, if He is even present or maybe if we are even saved at all. We lose all vibrancy in our walk with God and spending time with Him seems like another thing we just have to check off our massive to-do list.
We know we should talk to Him, but we just can’t seem to bring ourselves to do it no matter how much we discipline ourselves. It’s like there is something internal stopping us from drawing close to Him, believing He hears us, or even hearing His voice.
Spiritual Bypassing
So we stuff all our true feelings in and try to forget about the pain.
Feeling sad? Just choose joy.
Hopeless? Think positively!
Worried? Just pray more.
We have been given all this “good” advice about how to be a Godly Christian woman that isn’t helping us get to the root of our sadness, hopelessness or worry.
The truth is, we don’t have to stuff all those feelings down to be “more spiritual”. God wants to meet us in the rawness and realness of our present experiences!
Control
Yet sometimes we feel so lost that we try to control everything, attempting to get our needs met by forcing other people to behave in a certain way. We just don’t know how to practically get our needs met through Jesus. And how could we if no one has ever taught us?
It sounds like a good idea, but we just don’t know how to do it. Maybe we even attach our heart’s desires to a certain outcome believing that we will only have the peace our heart desires when that outcome happens. A healing. A pregnancy. A financial promotion. You name it.
Along the way, we lose hope and joy because waiting for some unknown moment in the future to finally “arrive” is exhausting. Without knowing a better way, we try to control everything, but it repels what we desire most and we are left as unfulfilled as ever.
Justice and Hopelessness
We want the world to be made right. Maybe we’ve experienced pain, suffering or loss. The unfortunate news is that we can get stuck there in pain and not know how to get out. We can view our sadness as permanent when in reality, our circumstances are only temporary.
When we believe that life will always be a certain way, we spiral into despair. Maybe we build walls to protect ourselves from more pain or maybe we shut down our emotions completely. Either way, we lack vision for the future.
The good news is nothing we are living right now is permanent. Life has seasons and we can work to shift perspectives even before the circumstances of our lives change.
Being vs. Doing
Now here’s the kicker, ladies! Sometimes we forget how to just be present in the moment. We ask God questions like, “Lord, what do I need to do to feel better?” or “What do I need to do to fix myself?”
We’re consistently preoccupied with doing rather than being.
The truth is that Jesus fills our desires when we learn to receive directly from Him instead of manipulating situations, circumstances and outcomes.
And sometimes we even get into the busy cycle of doing so many things to heal ourselves. We do, do, do because it feels impossible to be ok with the tension of the process.
The good news is, it is OK to be exactly where you are right now. You don’t have to change before you can be full of love, joy or peace. I can show you how.
